Momvent

Disappointment & indifference

Starting to wonder if I’m loosing touch with being grounded. I’m spending too much time in my head. I’m performing as expected with work, being a mom, social needs on the phone but a piece isn’t there anymore. Days and nights don’t start and end it’s just a circle. I miss me, but maybe I’m gone and forgotten.

people would gravitate to me when i was out in public. talking to strangers at bars or the gas station was a regular thing. wait staff would smile and say they were glad to see me. delivery people would smile and wave. the coffee people would write notes on my mug at the drive up. i had love in my life and it showed. now with 6′ apart in my bed the glow is gone.

I find myself on a ‘share what works’ thought process. Obviously not getting paid for this or you would see their ads ;). Found the best night lights ever. I find myself thanking them like my Alexa each time they perform. Walk into a room at night and there they are no questions asked. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07MLS6H2S/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_image?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Trying to traverse the new school setup. The angles have been tricky… read an email from school for 20mins or work to pay the bills for 20mins. Our light (daughter) has been enthusiastic about both her education and her health. I am not a stay at home mom, this is going to be quite tricky. Continuing to seek positivity in all things. Only 3 days of school under our belts, what a challenge for all. I wish you all luck.

While working from home is fantastic I find myself working everyday. I wake up and instantly wonder, ‘what day is it?’. Then I relentlessly run through the questions… what did I do yesterday, what did I cook, who did I talk with, what didn’t I finish. Is there laundry or did I finish it. Is there food going bad that needs to be cooked before I make something new. What’s coming in from Amazon. What’s my daughters schedule. Are the bills paid. How many conference calls do I have. What do the pets need. Wait am I caught up before the day even started?

Thankfully our school is offering a home program as well as on location. In light of how hard it will be for kids to go back our daughter is totally on board with doing school from home. So fortunate she always picks the plan we want. Can’t image kids dealing with learning AND masks, etc. I can barely make it through the 40min market run without freaking out!

I seem to be one of the few in my circle who don’t want our daughter to go back to school. I fear for her safety and what she will bring home. No fault of their own just so hard to manage. Weeks left and decisions to be made.

I do apologize for not being on point with my blog. Dealing with ex-husbands is never a fun thing (unless you are that lucky small percentage who are adults and can get along), and now it has turned into another job in my long list of jobs. With the economy in such shitty shape his business has dropped and mine has sustained. Worried about what will happen when school ‘won’t’ start in September (would love to be wrong this time)… prepared for the worst (as a dear to my heart once said ‘prepare for the worst and hope for the best’) I have lined up a plethora of schooling for the entire summer. And low and behold, it doesn’t work with his schedule and I was supposed to get it approved first. First come first served so I was trying to get anything I could that made sense before being put on a wait list. Another key in getting divorced, was if I waited to find out availability I would have moss growing on me. Hmmm paying for and setting up education or her sitting doing nothing… overly used but necessary term for this one NO BRAINER.

I am so tired. Tired of being everything to everyone. Being the sounding board. Wanting to cry and have someone hear my tears. Wish I could pick myself up by the bootstraps again but learning again you are in it alone.